Who can we truly rely on if we are unable to rely on ourselves?
Does it necessarily follow that we are to be left abandoned, dysphoric and uncomprehending?
I always seem to find myself in this uncompromising position at the very time when all else has already failed me, or I, myself have failed me, in the simplest of responsibilities, i.e. Making certain there are fair amounts of food for myself and pets in the house, or cash enough in my purse for bread from the local (so called) shop and suchlike.
Perhaps in my foresight of feeling something is a-brewing I somehow manifest this scenario, over and over again?
Or is it simply a mocking game that is continuously played with my life, if it can be called as such.
I, for one realise the negativity that oozes from me on a daily basis, it is a trait I am still actively trying to retrain in myself, it is not always the dominant part of my psyche or behaviour however, but it tends to pop out more often than I’d like.
I believe I am my own worst enemy (and critic for that matter), and in such thinking manage to isolate myself, and even though I long for close friendships everlasting, somehow repel this from taking place, this leaving the usual friendships, relations, socialising a tad flat on my end, therefore there being less and less ‘others’ that I could depend or rely upon…again one often ponders is this some kind of self destructive punishment subtly brimming beneath my surface, self created to keep myself in abandonment mode, or victimisation…how dull and very bland of me!
I have noticed over time that I tend not to interact with those I truly wish to, somehow rationalising that I am not of their ilk…this leaves me associating myself with people that I find mismatching, or to a point irritating as they represent sides of myself that I still can’t help but loath…mirror imaging I believe the term goes…but why do I incessantly follow this same track? Just jump into that intellectual, spiritual, eccentric pool of artists, writers, creators alike, as Dorn it is who you truly are, and well, surely wouldn’t the influences be far more promising?
You can see what I mean can’t you, knowing and still doing, it’s such an irritant!
I’d like to say I am merely contrary, but the truth being I am borderline bipolar, in addition a Pisces; thus a frantic, chaotic, confusion, emotional turmoil pool do I dwell in!
Continuously striving for change, stimulation, affection, achievement, yet splashing such a storm in doing so, that it wards off the audience.
If only I could be comfortable in my own skin, better yet, motivate myself without the need of an audience, then possibly life could begin.
Yes, ramblings no use to anyone but I, but in doing such, has made me see myself with a differing eye, the key to my first question above, is that we must MAKE ourselves be able to rely on OURSELVES, or create another side to our person that we can in some way turn to, to make things less of a struggle, feel less alone…
… and no I wouldn’t go as far as creating an alter ego, the one I have is already far too much to handle!