The Great Pretender
Are you full of confidence or have you ever suffered from Imposter Syndrome? Tell us all about it.
First, I was the ‘Great Pretender’ as a child, as I mimicked those I watched on the television, and those whom grabbed my attention and admiration, a precurser for the artistry and forthcoming acting ability, I was to utilise both fictionally and mundanely.
This could be nurtured from my slight obssessive awe at certain surrounding’s, extended family member’s, school class-mate’s to the renowned Celebrities of the Silver Screen of the time.
Debbie Reynalds, and Shirley Temple quickly come to mind, followed by Judy Garland, or Marilyn Monroe, yet equally I could be found and heard, displaying mimickry of Yul Brynner, in the King and I!!
I was a very nuanced child, both inwardly and externally, incorporating a myriad of emotion’s, mood’s, talent’s, behaviour’s along with my hunger for knowledge, I was a quick study, bright, rather highly alert, which gave much stimulus as well as a need for variety of stimuli in order to stop boredom and inertia setting in, therefore becoming prone to laziness.
In retrospect it was the path that was to become my flamboyant nature, a nature which in itself could be attributed to/as the ‘Imposter Syndrome’, that my psyche had created in order to make my daily existance that wee bit less painful, or anguished in lack of confidence, inferiority, confusion, and growing pain’s, undetected chemical difference’s that made me, uniquely me, although still brandished into many catagories of social conformities.
During my teenage year’s this had developed into a way of living, by being the clown, the comic, the weirdo, all aiding in the protective layer of being this ‘Great Pretender’.
It became my niche, my work, my interests, my styles, my image, my tastes…though part ‘Imposter Syndrome’ in order to be a coping mechanism, it also became my personality, and my being, and lead to the paths and choices I have since made, whether good, growth, or bad, growth…it has shaped me.
So, here we insert the Look-a-Like era, of copying the images of somewhat outcast, alienating musicians, actor’s, character’s, in a blanket of comforting anonymity; you could almost guess couldn’t you?
Yes Bowie, Numan, Strange, Siouxsie, Vampire, Goth, yes I was them and it all!
Hiding not so much the ‘real’ me, as in essense these were reflecting the me inside, in their inventive display of image or personality.
It just took me some time to develop a way to confidently make my own, and to be clear who I was before letting anyone truly see me, whom I already had an unhealthy dislike for, that I was of one of the Paradoxes of the human condition, I slipped in and out of love/hate with myself and everything around me, eventually using a type of euphenism, one might say, with which I convinced my mind to believe, I was as, Dorian Gray, quite attractable and pleasing to many on the outside, equally loathing to the same, yet this festering ugliness on the inside, a paradox, yet, also playing into the ‘Great Pretender’ role diversely, from both sides, and most insufferably living the ‘Imposter Syndrome’, both to myself, as well as the outer world.
I at last began to syphon this into my writing skill’s, my acting roles and venture’s, my social working roles of Video Director, Film Tutor, and Digital Media, in a more professional and equally shielding manner.
I grew, through my work, my confidence began to see my worth, my uniqueness came out from the stolen images of my peer’s, and during my spiritual growth I was finally able to meet, see, care, know and like ‘ME’.
I am 99% cured of the ‘Imposter Syndrome’ now, though still at time’s I like to play, like in a theatrical sense.