RUNNING COMMENTARY

Running commentary thats me

Try to stop but it wont leave

Others run as far away

Listening to me every day

No filters or blinkers be

Though may seem look inwardly

I see it all left and right

Inside out and through

the light

Even in the darkest night

I feel you, hear you

When silence stirs

Your thoughts are open

Even when they are closed

No filter, no escape

Everything floods in

No flood gates

Make no mistake

Through the veil ever so thin

Other world do live in

Here too with all of you

Louder Busier more gets through

I’ve heard folks can pick and choose

What they see, hear or peruse

Decide which view or feeling

Every atom is what I’m dealing

Particles, molecules

Build into matter

All becomes life’s factors

Drown it out or filter choose

I have none, no-one knows

Walk down a street

For pleasant ramble

Onslaught of echoes

Noise not my own

People talking no wait

Their feelings screaming

Some filled with hate

Their tears start falling

From dry eyes see

The sexy thoughts they hide from me

The histories of their abuse

From whether or not self induced

The generational shadows I see

No, a schizoid I not be

This is just my reality

Driving down a road I see

The road, the trees & greenery

Yet there is roadkill still spirit formed

Stood in road no longer torn

I see movement of butterfly

Amid a massive field

Yet to read off my screen or my phone

Even glasses will not see shown

Focus that is what others have

I try and it blurs right out

Yet when simply look ahead

An unfiltered world stares instead

Overload over sensory

Seems more than that to me

I am not special by any account

This what I see and the colossal amount

Hard to breathe or find the space

Do my best to delete old threads

Especially any that causes dread

Nope nope it never leaves

Yet so full now, short term memory

Numb it numb it shut it off

Glasses meant for both far or close

Leave off far into oblivion

Easier to walk through the millions

Less I see less I sense

At least that’s what I tell myself!

Copyright: March.2024. Dorn Simon

BONDED

Unravelling trauma bonds

Another layer you find

As trauma response occurs over again in your body-mind

Years may pass you kid yourself

You’ve finally healed from it with stealth

Alas, you wake with innards a’churn

Heart that aches a familiar burn

You lived the lesson’s Lesson’s you’ve learned Release the bonds grinding you down

Let go of that skin engraved frown

Bewilderment be gone without a sound

Bury the past into the ground

Let it out from you to earth Allow room for a new birth

The end is over yet trauma remained

Time for your destiny to be regained

The shadows call they always do

The light lays waiting there for you

You have the knowledge you hold the key

All that’s left is Destiny

Karma has impeccable sight

It knows where to go in search flight

It can see that which was not right

You are safe now from your plight

Life is short as the saying goes

Your health needs you god only knows

Tend yourself each given day Finding forgiveness with compassion some way

Feel yes feel to begin to heal Tears not fall yet fall them all Do it now before it’s too late

Not wait until final curtain call nor heaven’s gate.

Copyright: April.2024. Dorn Simon

I Give Up

I Give Up

They say it’s easy to give up

That it’s a cop out

Cowardly

I disagree wholeheartedly

The mind-bending struggle it takes

For a decision of any kind to make

To view all angles and those within

To recognise your life’s yet to begin

Subsisted through circumstance alone

Teased or hinted at some wee throne

To have all hope held off fast

As absolutely nothing ever lasts

Faces of supposed friends

Loved ones at worlds end

Society increasingly toxic

Repetitive wars the subject

Non child-bearing loner

Blessed by chance with another’s

Though not mine to grasp

They too will go fast

Not a leg to stand on see

This in essence how will always be

One can find some motivation

Infuse ideas with activation

Dream of where want life to go

Yet deep down always know

A shell, lifeless with agonising core

Feel as though always wanting more

Yet what is here is easily lost

I have nothing for the life at cost

Tired from holding up these shields

All and any efforts not yield

Coming up to Fifty-Five

It’s obvious I shouldn’t be alive

I lived once, a happy life

Ok yeah was filled with strife

But somehow a care-free nature did exist

Then great changes caused amiss

From moving, shifting betwixt

Some toxicity surfaced

From holding self up even as child

My coping mechanism was going wild

I have honestly tried everything

To be of goodness in society

I even did 26 years of sobriety

I wish to aid in healing world events

At least aid those suffering lament

To offer a space of understanding and care

Yet external reactions deemed unfair

I no longer know who sees straight

Is it me or they at hells gate?

I am worn and torn all used up

Each time I loved came at a cost

My life was over many moons past

The life god gave somehow lost

Whether I am or not a toxic mess

I no longer know I must confess

I give up as no step can take

Cannot do right for doing wrong my namesake

At least I can ascertain I am no fake

But a life of purpose I cannot make!

This all sounds so self-absorbed

Even my poetry full of distort

I lay waste to a persons life

This space on earth I fill disliked

On the contrary life is precious

Earth as a whole filled with fascination and beauty

Good people exist though somehow few

If I am one of them I have no clue

I give up being uncertain

I give up hiding broken behind this curtain

I give up being target of abuse

I give up querying my own misuse

Do I incite or invite this crass

Am I a sociopathic mess?

Diagnosed not yet others point

Perpetual merry-go-round of disjoint

I give up spending my each waking hour

Deliberating who is the enemy in this shower

Shower of broken debris

Is it them or is it me?

Copyright. 2023. Dorn Simon

Dorsal Vagal

Dorsal Vagal to Radical Acceptance

Too much space in-between

The debris-ridden pathways of the past

In hindsight clearly seen

****

Neuroception vs perception

What is the cost?

Co-regulation created a love lost

Dorsal Vagal, hello my friend

Does the pain ever end?

****

“Society judges trauma survivors by their actions in times of crisis”

Hail thee to be true

Even those closest, most loving

This is what they do

Though no malice is meant 

Their self-preservation spent

****

Maslow’s hierarchy

Half-way up I be

However, that’s not down to me

The help provided

Had ‘we’ divided

So, that part is on me!

****

Differences we blamed

When likenesses the strain

Emperors are we two

Fixers, Service we do

****

My light now shines

It turns me blind

As I nestled in the dark

Divine it was that Love Spark

The Flame that never dies

To one of us it lied

****

Dorsal Vagal rise rise up high

From the Depths Bravely

My Motto cried

Through that debris of trauma past

To stand faced with NOW at last

****

Sympathetic Nervous System 

I embrace thee too

As I understand this is what you do

Keep Rising Rising up

To Ventral filled like Ace of Cups

****

Ventral Vagal become my friend

Allow my resilience to never end

See this cup as Half Full

Nourishing me from sheer self-will

****

Breathe, Embody & Create

What to do to change one’s state

Whether Mind, Body, Heart or Soul

This will continue to be my goal.

©2022. Dorn Simon.

OLD GROUND

Old Ground (Relational):

Someone once said, their head/heart could not fall (in love again) on old ground…

…could not rebuild on the same ground where foundations cracked.

Yet, if we are honest with ourselves we ALL fall in love/build relationships on old ground…

How?

Due to in each new relationship we are bringing elements from all of the previous relationships, even without realising it consciously.

Each falling in love appears focused on the person we are establishing a relationship with, yet how and what do we base our emerging feelings on?

Correct!

From past relationships. Without the knowledge of experience of our feelings and interpersonal connections we cannot build new relationships, ergo all relationships are built on Old Ground, as we each bring our experience (meaning old relationships, old feelings, past love) into every new relationship regardless of whether it is with a new person altogether or not.

Every relationship is built on Old Ground, whether a rekindling with a recent partner or with a complete stranger.

Taken from the Chapter titled, History Repeating Itself – Gollum of the Psyche

Copyright: 2021, Dorn Simon

#love #life #experience #relationships

Obsolete

I am Obsolete

For the work I am offered

I do not know

I am Obsolete

For the love does no longer show

I am Obsolete

As even Friendship does not grow

I am Obsolete

As barren my belly knows

I am Obsolete

As my babies passed some time ago

I am Obsolete

For my mouth can not speak

I am Obsolete

Now my future is so bleak

I am Obsolete

No-one wants to know

I am Obsolete

Backwards I tend to grow

I am Obsolete

The children even flee

I am Obsolete

Because I am ME

I am Obsolete

As he no longer loves me

©2021. Dorn Simon

Bright Lights Big Burn

 

 

 

How he has broken me down

Tore off my shells

Claiming as aid to my health

Offering basics of daily wealth

I felt the pull of personality

How he assumed a saviour to me

Though looking back was all for he

To feel fulfilled in what he needs

The fervent nature ploughed ahead

Declaring love but broke me instead

Filling me with hopes in heart

Whilst twisting and pulling in my head

Built me up to pull me down

Devoted gaze now turned to frown

Was it all a lie? To help me ground

Or was this love not to be found

It felt so true through my eyes

Yet always a flurry of idealize

Soon began to make me realise

This move this love was not so wise

His words he spoke yet actions broke

Me slowly down chipping my crown

Of self and worth my sovereignty hurt

There’s little left of what we felt

I screamed I cried out for help

Only after the pain I whelped

Was stronger or more whole back then

Through shattering and initiation now spent

The extreme from high to low

In order to get self to know

As Above So Below

Equates to making self grow

Yet growth requires an environment

Of nurturing stimulating love

Of gentle encouragement

Not merely unbashful push and shove

Weakening my resolve

Hitting hard on all I hold

Reducing me to black hole

Making harder to be whole

Where cracks existed they were glued

Now I’m shattered come unglued

Pieces fallen too far down

Tipping off my sovereign crown

In the abyss darkness and ground

To traverse dangers abound

Addictions returned as what I yearn 

Was once there now can’t be found

The love of my life was all but strife

I didn’t even make it to be his wife

It hurts I cry I ask myself why

Did I fall then fall some more

Into a state of pain adore

For a man who shines that light

In disguised aide so bright

When in fact should run in fright

As always for his own delight

©2020. Dorn Simon

Loves Restraint

Love’s Restraint

When every cell

Is filled with love

Needs to express

Lest live in hell

Why can’t he see

It’s me being me

Authentic from my core

When express my loves adore

Words discarded as wrong

Worse as folly to mock

Feelings so strong

Worse made they not belong

Ignored when good

Highlights the bad

Only makes everyone sad

Each step forward is a struggle

I looked upon as if a muggle

No-one to blame

If truth be told

Yet makes me feel worn and old

Chemical imbalance

Its not a choice

It twists and bends

So I defend

Unconditional

There is no voice

Between us now

Yet started so fierce

Words shared thoughts cared

Love flourished

As we nourished

On our connectivity

Me bravely admittedly

Opened up my heart

Believed in what I heard

Showered emotional gold

Felt we were the committed two

To grow old

Hand in hand

Its still so sweet

But bitter ends

With utter defeat

I never stop loving inside

Too much feeling to hide

The scales are harsher on the other side

His spectrum too far and wide

Mood not consistent

Yet my love is constant

No care equals no share

No love means no above

No concern leaves me to yearn

A simple Hug means so much

I wish I had such luck

Solstice turning back to dark

Now my insides scream a lark

Never ending loss I found

My existence perpetually bound

In loss of love throughout

I remain alone no doubt

Summer Solstice 2020

(c) Dorn Simon

Love’s Lost Lament

 

 

(c) 2020. Dorn Simon

God Damn That Noise Inside My Head

 

 

 

Visions as violent as violent can be

Blood running down through me

All in my head

As death watches over me

Not physical

An emotional demise

The very kind I despise

The confusion

Darkness

Emptiness

Bled dry to the very core

From something so alive and bright before

Extremes of severity harm my soul

Even if spiritually a lesson to all

Living in Geburah becomes a curse

Not on the tree at all even worse

Where should I be

That’s a secret to me

Discrimination

Walking on Luna before its time

When Judgment is yelling at me all the time

My feet never firmly planted on the ground

Always cycling I have found

Acceptance 

That’s the hardest

When the heart felt bound

All four quarters all around

As Above So Below

No longer in the know

The answers hidden deep within

Whilst learning to grapple without

I no longer scream and shout

I bleed dry I bleed right out

I will find perpetual intelligence

I will follow the Sun

When all is said and done

Helios you are one to light my spark

In order to ground foundation hark

The balances of my ascending force will overcome

As when the time is right

It will be Luna Light

Star so bright

Back home where I belong

 

 

©2020. Dorn Simon

NB. The image above has The Emporer and The Star card in the ‘other’ formation – therefore switch them out to know what it’s about!